Living with a loved one can be a passion killer. I tried. Many times. I came to find out I can’t play house with someone. I always find myself packing my boxes and leaving. Although the reasons for the breakups were deeper than just cohabitation, it sure didn’t help.
Why, when I conjugate, do I have to submit to the habits of the other? Why has my mate to suffer my own irritating ways? Why allow all those subtle but forced accommodations going from “which side of the bed to sleep” to “which side should the toilet paper unroll”? Why bend, fold, buy peace and lose our character?
When I share rent with a better half, I quickly give up my individuality. I start using «we» as if it was a singular:
“Guess what? My boyfriend and I are moving together! We’re so happy about it! “.
“I can’t tonight; we’re going to listen to a heavy metal band. Of course we like heavy metal! Yes both of us! »
“God, we’re not sure which clown to give our vote to! At first I was thinking Green party, but we’ve changed our minds. ”
Then, my sweetheart and I start using the «hafta».
“Okay, there are no more clean utensils! We hafta to do the dishes! Oh, and we hafta buy soap, okay? ”
“Ok, seriously, we hafta get the leaves out of the gutter! And we hafta do our taxes this week-end!”
“Come on! Hurry up! We hafta go now! We hafta be there at three o’clock!”
Slowly, stealthily, «didya” is added to our language:
“Didya take care of the garbage?”
“Didya go through with my computer?”
“Didya listen to what I said?”
Then, one day, we alternate “Always” and “Never”. And it gets damn uncomfortable:
“You’re always giving me the third degree!”
“You’re never in the mood!”
“I never said that! You always have to exaggerate!! ”
We drop small droplets of acid without realizing it but slowly feeling the burn. We become less and less crazy about each other.
For me, living with a soul mate means carving happiness with a small penknife, only to leave shavings of disappointment. You share the stress of responsibilities, tasks and chores damping all desire, tenderness and, eventually, respect.
In my mind, a couple that each has its own place can flourish separately, completely independent and truer to themselves. They can commit while practicing the principle of “mind your own beeswax.”
Imagine meeting just for the pleasure of seeing the love of your life. Helping because you wanna, not because you hafta. Sharing your soul and your little secrets without having to apologize for your idiosyncrasies or having to manage those of your darling. In short, nixing the daily double and sparing the monotonous.
I know that loving apart is not for everyone. Many swear that they bloom in coexistence, that I am egotistical and immature for thinking this way. So be it. For me, with my sandpaper soul, this will be the only way for my union to last.
And if my relationship ends, I guess I’ll just have to hand over my spare keys and go empty boxes of Kleenex instead of moving boxes.